Closeness

I was recently inspired by a new friend to restart my blog. I had forgotten the simple joys I get from freely expressing myself without judgement. Something I find myself seeing less of thankfully as I grow older. I mainly attribute this to my social strata narrowing yet strengthening. I may have fewer friends now than I ever did in high school but the quality of them is evident. I see two classifications of real friends, school and home. School friends are those that were acquired post graduation and have seen wild and crazy things from me. They are around the majority of the year and have helped shape the woman I've become. Between me and them is a close and strange bond that possibly came from necessity but has grown into a deep love. My home friends however bring me unbelievable joy. No group of people is more understanding, compassionate, and flattering than them. Nevertheless, the strongest friendships I have are with people who don't necessarily fall under either catagory. My sister, being the first is and will always be my other half. She has grown this year so much. Im so proud when others say she is exactly like me, because in ways I admire her. The other is my handsome boyfriend. He's been the strength I've needed this year. Not only has he supported me but more importantly taught me how to grow on my own.
I never valued friends the way I do now. I always wanted more of them instead of more from them. It's a beautiful thing to finalize realize whom you wish to surround yourself with and the qualities they all poses. For those of my friends who read this I hope you already know all these statements were true already. I under appreciate many of you at times and understand a schedule shouldn't dictate our closeness. <3

Love

I'm in love. Even better I'm in love with a man who loves me back for exactly who I am. Never once have I questioned if he was faking a smile or a laugh, a promise he has made, or even a gesture given. He has no motives other than to show me how much he cares. I've never felt more lucky in my life. And come to think of it my luck has honestly turned around. The cards never seemed particularly stacked in my favor but ever since the best thing to ever happen to me walked into my life my life has changed rapidly. I feel like a better person being with him. I'm inspired to be all I can be and show him exactly how much love I have for him. The sensation I feel being with him takes away every pain that has ever come my way and I think that says something miraculous about us. 

Shocking

After several years of wadding through the shark infested singles pool of life I have now found a guiding light. A true man, which is even more rare than any other old catch. Though some before may have seemed like prize winners, I was never sure. Many made me into someone different and swim a very different course than my own. He however is my life raft, something I may not have been looking for but came when I needed it most. He gives me strength, direction, and safety among other things. I'm excited to finish this summer, and by no means am I rushing it. I however as well am ready for the new seas I will map as a girlfriend next year. I'm only 20 but I feel as though I've lived a lifetime of loves and losses already. And nevertheless these waters may be uncharted, but I am willing to go into them head on because I'm not alone anymore. And just knowing that fact is enough to lead me, not blindly, but freely, into these new areas with a sense of confidence and security. It is unlike me to give names or any other identifying characteristics out in my posts but for those who don't know me personally I hope this does him justice. It's rare I am at a loss for words, and he makes me that way. Not because I am scared but breathless. I have never felt so lucky.

Protection

Protection or safety is one of Maslow's most basic needs within his hierarchy. The feeling of protection or knowing that you are safe is one that is desired, and often unappreciated when one has it. Now don't get me wrong, by no means am I in a dangerous home or dangerous area for that matter. My physical safety is not always at danger nor is it threatened on a regular basis. Nevertheless, there have been times in my life where I have not been safe physically or emotionally because of my own decisions and they people I allowed in my life. The feelings I have now for a special someone are strong, and may be that way because I know there isn't a worry that he would ever raise a hand in anger towards me nor utter a malicious word. These are things I never thought would be such a selling point but has come to be. A true man is big enough to care for a woman, and a true lady is strong enough to stand up for herself and graceful enough to know when to accept shelter.

exciting news

To my complete and utter surprise chivalry is not dead; there are modern day gentlemen who were raised correctly alive. As shocking as it may be I have encountered someone who is truly as considerate as any casanova can falsely play to be. Now though I may keep more descriptive details as to whom this may be secret, the sheer fact that he is capable of changing my opinion is remarkable. 

Nevertheless, when I think of the idea of chivalry I'd rather envision a John Cushak character than a knight on a horse. Even though I LOVE the thought that the contrary vision makes me into a princess, I hate the idea of being saved by a handsome man is my reward as a woman. Rather, I have been swept off my feet by kindness, compassion, and attraction. 

loyalty

The concept of loyalty has always been an important aspect of my life. Between loyalty to family and friends but to all loved ones. But what exactly does it mean to be loyal? I suppose it depends upon how you would look at it. There is a sense that someone is loyal or faithful to a partner which is separate from being faithful to a friend. For a partner or significant other loyalty is expected yet is to be cherished as if a privilege. There are also two different ways to be loyal to someone you love or care for emotionally and physically. Physically is among the easiest to control one's loyalty to the other and only those who are weak give in to these temptations. Emotionally is much different and takes much longer to hurt your partner. You see to be emotionally loyal to a partner means to me at least to be honest, to speak with conviction, and to selfless in thinking.
As far as being loyal to friends, I have found myself surrounded by it, It's not about just taking sides anymore in fights like we did in high school. Loyalty or allegiance for each other runs deeper. When we face tougher inner struggles and harsher external environments we look to our friends to stand by us loving every moment of who we are regardless of what we are doing.
  But when is being loyal a bad thing? I have found in myself at least that it has come back to bite me. My loyalty runs so deep it is devotion in many cases. As I've said though before I'd rather live the way I do and dive into each emotion, interaction, and experience I have open heartedly than guarded. Some people may see this as naivete towards life and people but to me I'm free. What I have learned though is that not everyone deserves the chances I am willing to give. Loyalty isn't something that should be given. I thank the person who I know will be reading this for teaching me that fact. I hope to give my devotion and heart to someone who deserves it soon.

Father's Day

To all the Dads in the world happy Father's day. I am a very huge daddy's girl, and know he is an avid reader of this (as well as all my other) social networking sites and felt it was only appropriate to express my love and gratitude towards him. Thank you dad for all you have done. You are my saving grace and guiding light. Without you I would have been gone years ago, or still lost today. You have taught me the skills I will need in life to become a wonderful mother, hardworking employee, loyal friend, and most importantly a respectable woman. I hope to someday be the parent you have been to me and clair. I hope you know and can feel the gratitude we have for all the sacrifices you have made for us. We see how hard you work and I admire your selflessness for this family. I love you with all my heart daddy and as I sit here writing this my eyes are welling because I don't think this message truly conveys all the thanks I have for you. Just know that everything you do doesn't go unnoticed. You have taught me the value of hard work, how to be understanding, the reason to share, how to laugh, how to outsmart, the value of family, but most importantly how to love.
          
       I would like to take this time to also say happy father's day to my grandfather. Other than my own dad, this man is the biggest gentlemen with the kindest heart and best stories. I love you grandpa thank you for everything you have given dad and have passed on to me. You are my hero.
       To all the other fathers out there that have also been there for me I appreciate it as well. Though they may not see this as my own dad will I hope they know they too deserve recognition for all they have done.


I love you daddy! I hope the man I marry is half the man you are.

solitude

Many people see being alone as a terrible thing. Though sometimes loneliness can get the better of us all I often wonder how this happens. Have we become so dependent upon others that when we are left to face ourselves we can't take it? The silence is almost piercing sometimes, but by no means have I ever considered myself to be dependent. And if I don't like being alone with myself for a long time, how could anyone else? Though this sounds all so horribly emo, I'm sure many can relate. It's not necessarily that I don't think I have entertaining qualities and I'm boring myself, or that I'm so deeply troubled in my mind that I don't like listening to myself think, it's just overwhelming sometimes to sit back and truly enjoy the solitude within one's self. 

"The greatest beauty lies in the greatest clarity."

I recently went to a bassnectar concert in Providence with two other girlfriends. This was by far the best show I have ever seen. As my heart raced the show began to intensify. Before long the entire crowd was enthralled in the music and moving as one. The immensity of people that filled the venue was overwhelming, however seemed to enhance what I was feeling. People began to push one another in waves similar to the ones coursing through my body. The lights flashed, and though I had my eyes closed I could feel these colors pass over my body. My mind has never been more clear than in that moment. The vibrations from the music shook through the floor into my legs and entire body. Occasionally a mist of cool air reached my face and sent a relieving chill down my spine. Though it was crowded and I suffered some serious shoves the atmosphere added to the experience. All inhibitions are released the moment you swallow. 

Unclarity

So most of my posts have been about life altering decisions or the contemplation of current choices. So very cliche for someone my age whom is doing that ever so common "who am I?", "where am I going" daily questioning. Yet when I thought of my current unclarity, it was much different. I have been here before. I searched for some guidance or quotation from some respected author to possibly relate to, but I could not find one. Every word of wisdom was about loving one another and life commitments. But what about those times before that, when you're getting to know the person?  I'm in a place where everything is still all so new, but when does that end? I originally had believed it was wrong of me to wonder if there was going to be an expiration nevertheless when it would actually be. But when do couples start getting comfortable with one another and start losing their initial charm that they had originally put out? I see it similarly to what I imagine a peacock's life must be.... Go with me on this one.... Sure they lure you in with the shiny feathers all puffed and appealing, but what happens when they put the feathers down? Does the other peacock feel jipped they didn't really know what they were signing up for? Would they have even gone through the whole process if they had known what the other was to become? I guess I see myself as either side of this analogy. Especially with my circumstances having the one I care for at a distance, and having only met him for a few days, did I present myself in a way that is truest? And if he didn't will I be surprised later on? Essentially it all comes back to what ponders me most, when do the feathers come down? I'm so unfamiliar with dating in the recent years, especially after being hurt so badly in the past, I have essentially avoided it. Now yes, for some reasons that's on me and I was wrong either in the relationship and it wasn't right, or I chose to be single. But I had forgotten each stage of progression new couples go through. Why do we do this to ourselves? Nothing other than the attraction of possibly connecting with someone will twist your heart, head, and stomach into knots more. I have always thought to live life's rollarcoaster. Don't avoid the heights because you are afraid, for that is where the most fun is; Take the lows as they come because that signifies another high in your future. I'd rather feel extreme joy and happiness along with sadness and loss than never reaching those peaks. 

A fresh start

“Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. You have to remember this when you find yourself at the beginning.”

In the fashion of spring I find myself at a new beginning. Though spring doesn't technically start until the 20th it is the season to start new. Everyone "spring cleans" and the flowers rebloom. We begin to shed our winter layers and expose what has been hiding. This is true for our hearts as well. No other time than when the weather begins to warm are there more budding romances. It seems as the layers that sheltered us before come off, the ones around our hearts do too. I was always an advocate for love and romance until my heart was broken, and rebroken. Cliche of course. But with the turn of the season I have seen myself opening more and more. Now instead of my original guarded attitude I easily lead with my heart into this relationship. Not only has my heart been rejuvenated just as the budding flowers will soon be, but my mind cleared. Though at first I was timid, I can now see what I left behind was upsetting only because it was so taxing and the norm, not because my heart was in pain. I looked forward to seeing what these next few months hold for me. Hopefully we will blossom into something beautiful and we experience things we never have before. 

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else. - Mae West

I have always been about second chances. I feel as though every person deserves to have another light shown on them even if their first performance was not a pretty one.  When you chose a road in life you stay with it, and second chances are simply a turn around. You may either give up there and be stuck, turn around and follow the same path again, or find your way to clarity and try something new. For those who stay, you are cowards who can only stick to your norm whether you like it or not . I hope those who can relate with that can find their way to pick up and move again because life is waiting for those who can help themselves. For those who continue down the same path, shame on you. Life or the people who inhabit yours have given you an opportunity, what is it that prevents you from taking it. You my friends are the worst off. You'd rather be stubborn and continuously retry options already exhausted than accept help from another. Be warned though, some roads may only be traveled oh so many times. Because after a while they become warn and can't handle the constant strain. Maybe it's time for you to start looking at a map. 

“The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision.”

People are often afraid to choose a path because either they are afraid it will lead them somewhere they did not wish to be, or worse lead them falsely until it is too late to turn around. But when do you stop being afraid and just go with what's better. I'm currently on a road, we will call it that I have been traveling on for years now. I am comfortable, I know where it will lead me, and even though I was unsure before I know now every bend and turn that stands in my way and how to deal with them as they come. To some this is reassuring, to me it is concerning and monotonous. Has it been so tough of a journey that I can withstand anything at this point? Or has the path just become easier? I stand at a possible fork in the road currently, and possibly at the worst timing. This new road seems just that, new, exciting, and much more enjoyable. I'm unsure if it just seems that way because everything new sparkles, or if it is sparkling to catch my eye and subconsciously telling me where to go.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character

When daily tasks become challenging, you can't run from them. Maybe your day ahead looks impossible or what you desire most seems too far out of reach. However, if you don't look ahead and keep persevering what does that say about you? 

Decisions

So i've been faced with the tough decision of what to do in life. I can either stay at the school I love now or transfer. Here lies the problem, I really do love my school now, and the things I'm learning in my major. However, my major here, Health Promotions and Exercise Science isn't really geared towards my ultimate goal of medical research. So to stay here I would need to either double major with chemistry and have biology as well as chemistry for minors or I can leave and become premed somewhere else. Now not to boost myself up but when I apply myself I'm pretty intelligent and can handle a pretty heavy course load. I guess it becomes a question of what will ultimately be best for me. Making this decision is so frightening to me, and I'm sure similarly plagues other students in my position. When did I grow up? When did I have to start planning out my life? Just 2 years ago I had every meal made for me, let alone every decision. So what changed? I know this is all part of the "maturing process" but I figured there would be some sort of catalyst. I'm not sure if that makes me sound immature or juvenile but I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I don't know what I'm doing this Thursday but I already know where I want to be in 10 years, how on earth does that make sense? I suppose it will just all fall into place as it always does. 

disbelief

Sincerely frustrated with news I heard from last night. Not about what I have done, but about those who think they have a place to say anything at all. With that said, true friends would never intentionally hurt one another. And if they do, they're able to forgive one another without trying to bring their friend down too. If forgiveness hasn't happened yet, do say it has. I understand when I need to apologize, there is never a need to become malicious, because that is only an intentional emotion.

i'm sorry

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. This person will know who they are, and I hope they can understand where I am coming from. A simple I'm sorry can go so far. Taking the time to understand one another is crucial in any relationship whether it be friendship or on an intimate level, if one is unable to step away from any given situation all hope is lost. But what happens when an argument isn't about varying opinions but something else? How can caring for someone so much actually hurt a relationship?  I guess I've never known that feeling before so it comes off overbearing and judgmental when someone is just trying to express their love.

Compromise

In every relationship their must be some sort of sacrifice made on both ends to ultimately reap the benefits of the love you have for one another. However what happens when you feel as though it's one sided or uneven? When you feel as though you are the one giving your all?  Love to me will forever be ying and yang; a natural balance you find in your true soulmate. I'm truly in love with someone who I just don't feel is capable of doing so. Yet this is where the idea of compromise comes in. Maybe our ideas on life are different and maybe how we want to live them varies, but the bond is indescribable. So it seems that love is the ying to compromises yang. Knowing this it makes it worth all the effort one gives (even if it doesn't always seem like it).

move in

Roommates are all moved in. What a relief it was to meet Kelsey for the first time and hit it off instantly. I can't believe it's a new semester already and we're all back in action. I'm hoping my room this semester can be as fun and care free as the girls who are in it. I've never had much luck with housing... but this seems promising. Time to sit back, unpack, and share an L between us girls over wine to discuss our room :)

Distance

Distance is said to make the heart grow fonder yet more and more it seems to be ripping people apart. Growing up the only time anyone ever left my life was when a friend would move to another town and yeah that was sad but nothing in comparison to what I feel now. Now friends go to different schools in different states and it is ritualistic for them to come and go. Those who are truly friends keep in contact whether it be skype, or facebook but we have become accustomed to leaving these friends for months on end and just hope the next time we are home we can pick up right where we were. But what about those we care most for? Those we love, who come in and out of our lives because their lives are so far away, Why is leaving them that much harder? And a better question is how do you stay in love with that distance? Sometimes a computer image just isn't enough to suffice though you try to make it be. What's worse is those days when you're reminded of the distance, and that in all actuality you're alone until they return.  I'm not saying I need a man in my life every second, it's quiet the contrary actually. I'm extremely independent and always busy, but what's missing is the physical aspect. In the end it's a question of commitment, trust, compatibility, patience, and independence.

First try

So this is my first entry into my new blog. I wanted to try and start one this semester to help remember things, and to get everything out truthfully. There are a lot of different people in my life right now, and I have many experiences to come that will be fun to share. I want this to be an extremely candid blog, because if I'm not afraid to do it, I shouldn't be afraid to talk about whatever it may be. Anything I write will be honest and never meant to embarrass anyone. In case you haven't read my actual profile I'm still a student studying to be a medical researcher. I'm pretty intelligent and consider myself to be ambitious. With that said, I love to party. I have a few partners in crime at school as well as at home. I've made some mistakes along the way but I hope this blog will show who I really am through out this semester.